I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
