Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
