I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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