omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
