it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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