Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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