I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
