we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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