The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
