so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
