he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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