Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
