Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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