I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
