I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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