Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
