I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
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