i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
