WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
