you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
