I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
