so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
