Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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