he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
