6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Randomize
