Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
