The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
