i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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