If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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