We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
