my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
