I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Randomize
