Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
