Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
