i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
