god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Holy sore nipples Batman
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
