I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
