I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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