Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You're like the curious george of whores
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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