Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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