Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Damn victory sex feels great
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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