I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
