Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
