I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
