Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
