sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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