I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
