Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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