Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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