I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
